Monday, 30 March 2009
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Preparing for insanity
This post began as a reply to AngelVanished's March 29th entry, but it kept getting bigger and more general so I decided to put it here.
Anyone who has kept up with my blog knows that I'm bipolar. Its something I've dealt with most of my life and I am fortunately at a place now where I am aware of it enough to limit its impact.
There are a whole host of stages that I enter, most of them lasting weeks at a time. The cycle usually goes: depressed, "normal," manic-happy, manic-obsessive, manic-angry, "normal," back to depressed. Its not nearly as obvious to others as it used to be, but I still feel them. Prescription medication, once something I dreaded, is something I've found can be very useful in letting me keep a clear head. I also use some techniques that I've developed on my own over the years.
The most useful technique has been to take mental "snapshots" of myself to remember for later. For instance, when I'm manic and extremely upbeat about life, I take a mental photograph of myself. I record everything I'm feeling and every reason I'm feeling that way. I make a picture in my head of what I call the "happy me." Then, when I am depressed, I pull out this "happy me." The sad me isn't cheered up by the happy me, but it does help me realize that whatever I'm going through, its got at least a 50-50 shot of getting better again. I do the same thing when I'm depressed, to later remind the manic me not to start projects that I won't have the energy to finish later.
I've also taught myself to be super deliberate about myself and what I do. I regularly visualize an overhead camera watching me. This helps me see my situation from an objective perspective, to see if I'm over-reacting. It doesn't always work, but it helps. For instance, I hate it when area rugs are out of place. I always hate it. But when I am manic, it makes me so mad that my face turns red and I used to throw things. Crazy. right? Well, now when I feel that level of rage coming on, I say to myself "oh, its one of THOSE days." Then I know not to trust myself that day. I try not to write angry blog entries (though at the time I'm convinced I absolutely need to) and I make extra attempts to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt because I know I'm not in my right mind. If I have the time and space, I'll lose myself in some project -- either fixing a computer, redecorating a room, or a marathon session of a single-player video game. Its just gotta be something that releases mental energy at a more or less constant pace -- without the chaos of another person -- for an extended period of time.
Similarly, I take precautions when I feel myself slipping into depression. Depression is something I used to think I could avoid through prayer, exercise, sex, friendships, I'd try all sorts of things. But for me its a chemical reality, and what I have to do is realize that, just like in my manic stages, I've lost perspective. Its not that the things I feel aren't real, its that I'm looking at them through a magnifying glass. I'm not seeing the wide world that holds these little specks in check. Its not easy, but the sooner in the cycle I just admit to myself where I am, then I can focus on being okay at not seeing the whole picture, knowing it'll come into focus again.
What about you guys? Do you suffer from these kind of chemical changes? Do you do anything to "prepare" for oncoming depression, or maybe other bad moods that you can see coming?
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Comments (10)
There are young boys who just want to be men, rambunctious, self-assertive, men, and they get labeled as having "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder".
I was not such a child. I was intellectually brilliant, and asserted myself in more subtle (some would say "feminine") ways.
However, this superawareness of the world around me, the ability to consider tons of angles in every situation, the curse of questioning EVERYTHING, including the very project I have attempted to start, makes me, like the uncontrollable young boys, a candidate for the diagnosis. I'm not sure if I have a chemical imbalance as well or not.
For awhile, I stopped taking the medicine. This did not work out well.
Then I tried to manage the medicine - if I'm going to use it as a tool, I should use it on my own terms, and I value having that control.
So along the way, I've learned techniques to keep me on the regiment. For example, I allow myself two slack days a week (usually weekend days) knowing that if I overwork myself, I will become overwhelmed and start to question everything. I have another rule of thumb, which goes "whenever I think "should I take my medicine", the answer is always "yes", no exceptions". Also, a big one has been accepting that I may not be ADHD, I may very well be a methamphetamine addict, and coming to peace with the fact that if this IS true, I'm OK with it, and things will work themselves out (because not accepting this possibility is what originally drove me to self-inflicted distraction).
So that's what I've learned so far.
I remind myself that the bell jar will lift and that I don't want to be known as the girl who killed herself. I also think about the future and try to socialize more. These all seem to work.
I don't handle myself well. I mean, not as well as I should anyway. I keep finding myself drinking when I'm down, I want it to make me feel nothing, and it never does. I usually also end up segregating myself from my friends. I'm facing sort of a catch 22, because I need socialization to distract me from my problems, but when I'm down, I tend to lash out and am generally a really angry person who just wants to hurt and destroy.
i sure see my son in your post - perhaps i'll share it. peace, Al
My sister is bipolar. I think her main problem with it is that she's still suffering from the stigma of it -- she just won't try anything to help, it seems. I have mood swings, but I can identify them as they're coming on and deal with them quickly. It's probably why I constantly appear so mellow!
oh! haha thanks for dropping a comment :). My english quiz is tomorrow actually..and that quote was a ranodom one but it is one of my favourites in King Lear.
"because I know I'm not in my right mind."
Damn, I wish I could understand when I'm not in my right mind. It'd make things so much easier. I think I'll try out your techniques; they sound legit.
While I'm not 100% certain that I'm bipolar, I experience all of the symptoms (from extreme anger, like when I genuinely outright told the girl that saved my life to go to hell, to extreme depression, sitting in front of a mirror with a knife), and the disorder runs in my family (my grandfather, my mother, my brother). I've never been diagnosed, but for some reason, while I'm confident that I have the disorder, I'm still absolutely terrified that any psychologist I see'll tell me that I'm simply a normal teenager being melodramatic. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm honestly absolutely horrified that there's no reason for me to be... this... way aside from that I'm occasionally melodramatic.
I've been considering taking precautions as extreme as simply avoiding people for weeks at a time, just so I don't mess anything up when I'm experiencing something different from 'normal.'
Thank you so much for this. I don't know how to say that any other way. I appreciate it more than you know, especially on days like these.
@upandoutward - it took me a long time to accept some help. The meds I used to take put me in such a zombie stupor that I felt like my craziness was better than any of that. And of course once I get truly manic, I think I'm fine and don't need help. That's why I need to really take hold of myself on the way there. When I was in school, I always wrote my best papers when I was manic so that was another thing that confused the issue -- I didn't think it was that much of a problem. It wasn't until I realized how many friendships were ending because of my moods that I started understanding it wasn't worth it.
@AngelVanished - I'm not an expert but I do have to say, the very first time I read your blog I thought to myself "he sounds like he's bipolar." Of course everyone is different and has their own story, but if I said anything that is helpful, that's wonderful.
i think i have some issues with depression. i struggle wiht it a lot, but im usually able to keep it hidden. so i dont know if its just normal or what.
Dang.
You may be bipolar but from reading this I think you may be the sanest person I know. How in touch with yourself you are! I commend you!
I am not bipolar, or at least I don't think I am, but I do go through these ups and downs very much like what you describe. I call it the ebb and flow of me. Years ago, I wasn't even aware of it. I didn't recognize the pattern of ups n downs. Then I used to fight against it and try to force myself to not be what I was. I'd especially try to force myself out of being depressed and lethargic. Lately, I try to accept myself and just live through the down spells and keep things in perspective and know that I'm- again, much like how you described- just not myself. It's like I constantly have to adjust. Maybe like when you're playing scorched earth (showing my age here) you must adjust for wind or gravity..... Then there are the up spells. I can be so enthusiastic and outgoing and ambitious. I plan things and schedule things and start projects. Wonderful, but then there's that much more to be depressed and lethargic over when the down time comes - usually from out of nowhere!! As I really feel there is an underlying nutritional cause of chemical imbalances (and all these modern conditions such as adhd and bipolar), I would not take meds even if I was actually diagnosed by some "authority" on the subject. Maybe all the folks who are slighly adhd, bipolar, etc, etc, out there aren't ill, but just don't fit in the box that society or rather dare I say it the gov't wants us to fit in so we can be more easily controlled. Remember, those in charge don't want us to question things. That makes us a threat. So they say, you're sick- take this pill and get back in line. But now I'm starting to sound paranoid so I'll end here. Anyway, I think I will try the methods you outlined above and I'm sure I'll find them very helpful. Thanks so much for writing the article.
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