Sunday, 12 April 2009

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  warning: this post is a lot more religious than most of the stuff I write. deal with it.

   

  Christ has risen. 

  Its no more true on this day than any other, but its no less true either. I dont usually speak church-ese, but I happen to agree with the above statement.  It's why I call myself a Christian and it is the one thing, sometimes the only thing, I have in common with the multitudes of church-goers at sunrise services right now.   My faith is not an easy thing.  Most of the time, it would be easier for me to not believe.  Not going to get in a theological apology of it all right now.  There are things I read in the Bible that make God seem complicated, contradictory, and unknowable.  But that's no argument about whether he exists.  A lot of people, especially authority figures, often seem complicated, contradictory, and unknowable.  Doesn't mean they're not real.  I don't want to get into specifics because I know peoplec will want to discuss the merits of this or that translation and how it relates to other passages.  That's fine, nothing wrong with that -- but what I'm saying here is not about specific dillemmas in trying to understand God, just that these conundrums exist.  And those things mess me up inside because I want to please God.  Its not a feeling of should, or even asking if I could.  I just want.  Its such a deep desire in me that I'm not sure its not the base of most of what I've done in my life -- both good and bad.  I want to make him happy so bad, like I'm a little kid getting to skip school to go to work with my dad. 

  That desire isn't something I really act on anymore.  At least, not by itself.  That kind of zeal has led me down too many dead-ends, where I ended up being totally lost in what I thought God wanted and totally separated from being true to myself.  These days, I focus on how big God is.  He's not going to fall down or crumble because I make a mistake.  He's not going to throw a tantrum if I don't get everything right.  The world isn't going to end if I don't discern God's exact will for how long I should push myself on the treadmill.  He'll be there, so big that He doesn't need us to know He's there -- I need Him.  He was there, alive and in charge, long before I met him.  And the fact that the longer I live, the less I realize I understand about him -- that doesn't change the base of my faith.  The one thing, intangible and invisible, that led me to him in the first place:

  His love for me.

  He doesn't love me because I love him.  I love him because He first loved me.

  And nothing can separate me from that love.

   

  That's the base, the ground floor, the foundation.

  Anything I say beyond that is just window-dressing. 

   

  Have a good sunday, everyone.

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